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Crackerbitspi
27 April 2009 @ 11:10 pm
So, found out about a week ago that I possibly need a liver transplant! WTF??!! I also need a small intestine transplant so without getting that first, a liver would just go bad. So, since I can't get the small intestine transplant, what good would it do to get a liver? I think this is where I draw the line. Maybe now is when I just leave it in Gods hands and just make myself comfy.
 
 
Current Mood: curiouscurious
 
 
Crackerbitspi
01 April 2009 @ 10:50 pm

For the last couple days, I have been thinking so much about my dad. I used to think about him constantly but since I got sick, I don't think about him as much. Lately I think about him and cry. Maybe because I recently became engaged and I wish he could be there. I mean, He did walk me down the isle at my first wedding so I was lucky to have that. I don't know. Sometimes I get really angry that he left me. I always wonder what he would be thinking or doing now that I am sick. I was a total daddys girl. I was his favorite. No one would argue me on that one. I wish he could have seen me sucess at my job. I really did well after he passed away. Now I feel like a failure. It's not my fault I'm sick, but for so long I did nothing with my life. I jumped from job to job and I just want him to see how I really climbed the ladder and became a sucessful manager at a clothing store. I loved my job. Now I am disabled and can no longer work. I know he can see me and he is always with me but I would love to her him say how proud he was of me. Nothing says it better than the Taylor Hicks sonf " Do I Make You Proud."

I've never been the one to raise my hand,
That was not me and now that's who I am,
Because of you I am standing tall,
My heart is full of endless gratitude,
You were the one the one to guide me through,
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning,

*Chorus*
This IS what we dream about,
But the only question with me now,
Is do I make you proud,
Stronger than I've ever been now,
Never been afraid of standing out,
Do I make you proud,

I guess I've learned, to question is to grow,
That you still have faith, is all I need to know,
I've learned to love, my self in spite of me,
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe,

This what we dream about,
But the only question with me now,
Is do I make you proud,
Stronger than I've ever been now,
Never been afraid of standing out,
Do i make you proud,

Everybody needs to rise up,
Everybody needs to be loved, to be loved,

This what we dream about,
But the only question with me now,
Is do I make you proud,

This what we dream about,
But the only question with me now,
Is do I make you proud,
Stronger than I've ever been now,
Never been afraid of standing out,
But do I make you proud,(2x)

This what we dream about,
But the only question with me now,
Is do I make you,
Do I make you proud.



 
 
Current Mood: determineddetermined
 
 
Crackerbitspi
So, today, I thought I was having a stroke so I went to the ER. While sitting in the waiting room, I over heard a family talking about a family member that was brought in I think due to a stroke. This man was in bad shape. He was on life support, and other stuff. I was thinking " well, this man is better off then I was." At this point they thought he would possibly live. Anyway, I digress.... I starting thinking to myself about how you wake up one moring and by noon your life could be drastically different. All it takes is one phone call to tell you that a loved one is near death or even dead. Then you start thinking about all the things you could have said that morning but didn't and how you may never get to say these things to them. I've had the experience of being the person who was supposed to die. I automatically began to think about all the things I would want to say to people but haven't. Or when my father was dying and instead of telling him how much I loved him and how my life would never be the same without him I was too afraid because I didn't want to upset him. He was literally at deaths door. I kick myself now. I'm pissed that he left me and left me with the person I loosly call my mother, Anyways. I obviously didn't have a stroke but I was glad I went for the peace of mine.
 
 
Current Location: homie mc home home
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: lets get it on
 
 
Crackerbitspi
30 March 2009 @ 01:09 am
Jeez, I can't believe it's been so long since I've been on here. I used to write religiously. Now, I do most of my journaling in writing. the good loe fashiioned way. My life had drastically changed. I am now a cripple living off social security. a year ago I was pretty happy and definetly independant. Not anymore. I am such an unhappy person. I have been diagnosed with a terminal blood clotting disorder. I have blood clots all over my body and you know what from? Being a whore. Yes, I said it. Lol. It's all because of the fucking birth control pills I was taking to prevent pregnancy. I tried for years to get pregnant and neve did but as soon as I start the pill for the first time in my life it nearly kills me. I hate it. I have so many medical problems that I feel llike a freak. At least I don't have a feeding tube right now. I'm thinking I may need one one soon. I have lost alot of my weight and I'm thinking that I'm not absorbing all that I need.  I miss my "normal" life. It just seems like when I was starting to mentally do better and start to feel human again, this happened. I don't know how much time I have left ( just like everyone else, duh,) but I know it probably won't be, if I'm lucky, more than 10 years. It's kinda funny. The entire time I was having my bipolar moments at the end of 2007, I wished that I would just get cancer and die. Now that I am actually faced with my own mortallity, I am really confused. I guess most people would be. I really need to get  into therapy again. I feel like shit both mentally and physically. I can't sleep so I always feel bad. I can't stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking about what the fuck I did to deserve this. When it all first happened, I was confused abiut how sick I had truly been. Most people don't come as close to death as I have and live to tell about it. It's funny to actually hear a dr tell you that you are not only a medical miracle but also a medical mystery and they don't know how to help you because they've never seen anything like this  before. I hate being the person I am. I make everyone around me feel like shit. I guess cuz I want everyone to feel as bad as I do. Thats not fair but it's my reality,at least I think it is. Like I said. I'm just totally confused and tired of hearing people bitch about things that to me are meaningless. Like they say," at least you got your health!) well fuck me in the goat ass, I can't say that. I feel like a terribl person. I should be greatful to be alive and I'm not. Like I've said to people before. I'm not sure if I want to shake the surgeons hand or shoot him in the face. My entire life is a huge catch 22 and I totally hate it. I hate what I've become. I see now why old people become mean. being sick sucks. I need to know how people with other tewrminal dieseases live and go on. I mean, they must be bitter. Is there a point were it all comes together and I just feel better aboiut dying? How do I live with the chronic pain and all the other medical problem that I deal with? DAR!!!
 
 
Current Mood: blankblank
 
 
Crackerbitspi
30 March 2009 @ 01:00 am


In  early March of 08 I began to have a pain right under my breast bone. This went on for 2 weeks and finally got bad enough that I finally went to the dr. She told me that it was more than likely an ulcer. After 2 days more and the symptoms getting worse, I went to the emergency room where they too told me it was an ulcer. Mind you, they never did anything but a little blood work. The next day, March 14, it became so bad that I had to call 911. I was vomiting blood and about ready to pass out from the pain. I got to the ER and within 20 minutes I was dying.  They rushed me to an ultrasound that revealed that I had a blood clot in my portal vein. This supplies blood to the digestive tract. My mother was told I had less than a 1% chance to live. I was rushed into an emergency surgery, dr's not knowing what to expect once I was opened up. They found that my small intestine had died. I lost more than 85% of it. The next day, my blood became septic and all of my organs failed and once again my family was told I wouldn't make it thru the afternoon. I was placed on an old form of dyalysis as a last resort. I made it thru the day and eventually woke up from my coma that following Tuesday, 4 days after coming into the er. Ihad a ventilater down my throat, a tube down my nose, an IV type thing in my nevk feeding me, and in restraints.  I have long and terrible medical problems. I was initally told that I would never eat or drink again. The dr's at the hospital where I first was and also the transplant and other dr's I see at UCLA have never seen anything like I had. Most people would have died so no one knows how to help me.

I know suffer from seizures, pulminary embolisms, chronic phemonia, a terminal blood clotting disorder ( yes, I said terminal.), and other serious medical conditions. Whats really scary, is this is just the short version of what occured. This entire incedent has left me an extermely bitter person.  All this because of birth control pills.

 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
 
 
 
Crackerbitspi
29 December 2007 @ 07:11 pm

Having a bad day...hopefully it's just that... a bad day. Well see.

 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: lonelylonely
 
 
Crackerbitspi
27 December 2007 @ 07:39 pm

Diving into something I don't know if I can get out of. Something totally fun and not in my character ( unless you new me about 12 years ago. )

 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: flirtyflirty
 
 
Crackerbitspi
23 December 2007 @ 05:24 pm

I can't belive that this year is over ( for the most part.) I only have one question. Where the hell did it go? I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back or anthing, but geez man. I can't believe that it is going to be  2008. It'll be 10 years since I graduated high school. 10 Friggin years!!!! I'm old!! LOL! TYhis has been one of the most stressful years i've ever had. I'm actually quite happy to see it end. I am wanting to start this new year kinda like starting a new life except for some of the same players. I can't believe that Eddie and I have been together for 8 years. sometimes it seems longer, but sometimes it seems like it all started yesterday. I am excited for the first time in probably a year. I feel really good. Still a little scared, but I take it one day at a time. My hope for the next year is that I will be able to get my life back in order. I will be able to function back at 100%. I am hoping that my life will be better than it was before. Thats why I am excited. I kinda feel like I can start anew ( in baby steps.) It seems like the last year has been full of trial and tribulations for many of my bestest friends. My hope for them is that they can find inner peace. (so much fucking easier said than done, I know) They are strong people. ok, well thats all for now. Adios!

 
 
Current Location: home
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
 
 
Crackerbitspi
20 December 2007 @ 06:14 pm
Only 11 days left of this year and I really gotta do a couple of things:

1) Make my New Years Resolution
2) Make a list of my celebrities that I think will die. ( this is a new one for me, Leave me a comment and tall me who you think)
3)  Decide what to do On New Years Eve.
 
 
Current Mood: amusedamused
 
 
Crackerbitspi
20 December 2007 @ 05:52 pm
 Growing up I was raised Jewish, although my dad was catholic so we still celebrated Christmas Eve with his family. We did not have a tree or have Christmas morning or anything like that. All the kids at school used to say that I was so lucky cuz I got 8 presents and blah blah blah, I tried to explain that just like them, well, at least most of them I got 1 big gift and just a bunch of little things.  I always wondered what it was like to feel the anticipation of waiting for Santa and waking my parents up early running down stairs to see all the glorious gifts that had been left by the big jolly fat man. To my dismay, every year, I run downstairs, just to be disapointed that there was nothing waiting for me. I felt left out. Same thing with Easter just not as extreme.  
 My parents tried. I grew up in a community where there were not that many jews. The ones that there were you knew. We all went to the same temple. One year, my dad hung blue christmas lights, mind you this was probably almost 20 years ago so it was hard to find blue lights. he tried to make a star of david out of white lights and hung it from the top eve of our house. He had made the frame of his star from wooden dowels so it fell apart.  Then there was the year my mom finally let us get a tree. I must have been 14 or 15, but she made us decorate it blue and silver. It was hideous. So we just called it the Hunukkah Bush. That just pissed her off. And yet, she still didn't let us have Christmas Morning. My first Christmas morning was when I was 16, I was at my cousins hous cuz my parents had to go see my grandpa in Vegas. It was so much fun. They treated it like I was 10..... I loved it. Now That I'm married, I have had going on 5 Christmas mornings, and yet, I still feel deprived. I will hopefully one day have a family and be able to begin my own family traditions.
 
 
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